Susane Colasanti - Journal

When I graduated from high school, I ran out of that place swearing that I'd never go back, ever. I was finally free. Never ever would I ever go back to the scene of countless emotional traumas.

So of course I just went back.



Facebook was involved. I reconnected over there with my friend from back in the day, Paula. I thought it would be really fun to see her after almost two decades. Around that time, I was considering going back to my old high school for reasons related to the new book I'm writing. Then my lIbrary event was scheduled (thanks for an awesome time, Kimberly!) and...it all came together.

When we graduated, a massive renovation of the school was just staring. Now the kids have an insanely schmancy new auditorium, new high-tech photo lab, new cafeteria, new freaking everything. I'm all jealous of their improved school experience, but I'm not jealous that they're there. I was drooling over the new science wing. The only remaining science teacher from the old days totally remembered me from Science League!

Which got me thinking about the things we remember about school and the things we block out. I seem to have blocked out a lot of the horror. That's one reason I wanted to go back - I was hoping the visit might unlock some things. Paula remembers so much, though. She was telling me about all this stuff that happened and I was like, Really? I did that? She brought her photo album to show me old pictures of us. Here's what's strange: Looking at pictures of yourself with no memory of being there, doing whatever you were doing in the picture. Apparently, I was a Corn Flake for Halloween one year.

Was I traumatized by my return? Not at all. In fact, it was a good example of how time heals. To all of my teen readers who are having the worst experience of your life right now, please know this. The badness comes to an end. Your real life starts. And everything just gets better from there. So keep the hope of a better life alive, and one day soon you will be living it.

Talk about refreshed. The cool, crisp summer breeze was blowing in through my bedroom window all night. I was under the covers, even. There's nothing like a refreshing summer breeze. August can bring it now. Well, maybe August could bring some of it but cut down on the humidity? The breeze was so amazing that it woke me up a few times around sunrise. Each time I looked out the window, the sky was an incredible shade of green or blue. Almost psychedelic. At first I was like, "Am I dreaming?" No, I was not. That's just what it's like when you get up early enough to enjoy the sunrise. Not that I'm making it a regular thing.

I just got some reader mail forwarded to me from my publisher. Love that! Actual letters are made of magic. It's wonderful to receive reader emails and Facebook and MySpace messages, too. But there's something about actual letters I've always loved. I was big on pen pals in my teen years. I love seeing a person's handwriting, if they used a cool pen, which stationery they picked out. So I'm super excited to read my letters.

These letters remind me of when I had to teach my students how to address an envelope. When I was a teacher, every year I'd assign this special project where my students would write a letter to themselves that they would read in the future. They could write about anything, focusing on what their goals are and important things that they want their future selves to remember. I'd keep the letters for as long as they wanted (up to five years) and then send them back. With their letter, everyone had to hand in a self-addressed envelope. The first time I assigned this, I was shocked to see that very few kids knew how to address an envelope. For most of them, this was the first envelope they'd ever addressed! After that first year, I always drew a diagram of how to address an envelope on the board when I was explaining the assignment. It's such a powerful commentary on how much our lives have changed.

Also powerful: Mindy Kaling Twittered that she's working on the Jim and Pam wedding ep script with Greg Daniels. EW was all over it. Talk about pressure. Can you imagine being the one to write that script? It'd be all like, "Hey, so you know how we've been waiting for this day for four years? Yeah, you're the one deciding how it looks. Good luck with that." Intensity cubed. I cannot deal with the anticipation of that ep. If I had a TV, I'd be able to watch it in a few months when it's on. Waiting until next September for the DVDs will be excruciating. I might have to take over SP's big screen for this one. But no, because then it would be out of order. Conundrum!

Today's a perfect day for some Big Gay Ice Cream Truck time. It's not incredibly hot out, so you could actually get an ice cream cone without it melting all over the place in two seconds. But I just checked his website and he's not out today! Oh, well. I'll track him down one of these days, friendly neighbors. And when I do, you'll see full documentation here. In the meantime, let's do something else fun and summery today. Enjoy the summer breeze!

Whenever I hear about how some school got caught allowing cell phones (which are not allowed in New York City public schools, but it's kind of a joke because most kids bring them and use them in school anyway) or how one student was found in school with a weapon or how one teacher said something inappropriate about the president and there's this whole 20-minute discussion about it on NPR and people call in and are outraged over it, I want to tell everyone how it really is. 

News flash:  This is what goes on here.  Every day. 

Take recycling.  There was a discussion a few weeks ago on NPR about how this one school doesn't recycle.  Everyone was so shocked that this school threw out all of their paper, cans, bottles, and other recyclable items.  And I really wanted to call in and go, "I know another place that doesn't recycle.  It's called the Bronx."  It seems like the people who decide what's newsworthy aren't looking at the big picture.  The school I taught at never recycled anything.  Disgusting amounts of paper, bottles, and cans were thrown out every day.  This is the case in most schools and colleges here.  Blue recycling bins are used as garbage cans.

Which is why I was so thrilled to hear NPR today.  This time when they reported on a school and city issue, they definitely had a better clue.  For 18 years, it's been the law in New York City that every building (residents, schools, institutions, agencies, commercial businesses) must recycle.  NYC had a goal that by 2007, 25% of its garbage would be recycled.  We didn't reach that goal.  Only 16.5% of all garbage is recycled.  And the stat is even worse for our schools - a pathetic 9.5% of all garbage is recycled there.  Sad, but true.

You can listen to the NPR story here.

I had a most awesome NCTE experience today.  Some righteous authors have inspiring words of wisdom to share with us, neighbors.

Laurie Halse Anderson halseanderson reminded us that "fear is the child of ignorance."  She also talked about how hard it is to respond to all of the fan mail she receives.  Like, right now she has about 500 letters at home and it will take months to get through them all.  I loved how she was knitting (very politely, under the table) on the panel while listening to other people.  At first I thought she was doing origami (it was really crowded and I had a bad seat - so crowded that Sharyn November was standing in the back!), but then the knitting needles clicked into the scene.  But what I really loved is what she had to say about the books she had to read in high school.  In front of everyone in this room packed with English teachers, Laurie admitted that she never finished reading an assigned high school English book because she hated them all.  See, this is why we're kindred spirits!  Me too!  Well, I finished them, but I was hating the ancient hoo-ha of language so dry I needed two glasses of water just to get through a chapter.  When kids read Speak, they have an emotional response.  They make a connection with a depressed character because all teens are depressed on some level.  Like Laurie said, "Kids don't cry and need resources when they read Moby Dick."  Rock on.

Laura Zeises zeisgeist said how she recommends bibliotherapy for some of her college freshmen by encouraging them to read teen novels.  How cool is that?  Most of the teen novels I've read have been in the last two years and they always make me feel warm and fuzzy.  Or snarky and angry.  Either way, it's all good times.  And I just love that word:  bibliotherapy. 

Brent Hartinger brentsbrain really made me think about the way haters have access to authors' private info.  Because Brent dares to write about gay teens, he receives hate mail from evil beings.  These beings can find him and hurt him, which I hope never ever ever happens, but evil is bad like that.  Brent shouldn't have to worry about that kind of ridiculousness.  He should be able to write honestly and help teens survive.  On the silver lining side, he talked about all of the fabulous email he gets from kids who feel better about their lives because of his books.  He's amazing.

E. Lockhart elockhar made an excellent point about censorship.  When a book or topic is censored in school or by a parent, the message given to our kids is this:  We cannot talk about this topic.  Do not talk to me about this.  You are on your own.  And these kids are left to fend for themselves, dealing with really hard issues and most times having nowhere else to turn for help.  If a book includes content about sex or drugs or abuse, that book should not be censored just because a few adults decide it's inappropriate.  Why should it be inappropriate to talk about issues that teens are dealing with in their lives?  The issues are real.  That's the exact reason why kids should have access to related information.  Kids connect to characters in books who are feeling the same pain, which helps kids feel less alone.  And gives them hope.

And Carolyn Mackler told us how books saved her as a teen.  How she turned to books and found friends there.  I feel the same exact way.  Books saved me and helped me to survive and made me feel better, and knowing how so many kids don't even like to read breaks my heart.  But knowing there are other people like me out there, who write for teens because they want to help them deal with the absolute hardest time of their lives, makes me happy.

It's weird how people change. 

Example:  I always used to wear a watch.  From middle school until after college, I couldn't imagine not wearing a watch.  I was always like, Who does that?

But then I got into yoga and meditation and living in the moment, and things changed.  Suddenly, my watch was repulsive.  Not because it didn't look good.  I've always had Swatches because they are a beautiful thing.  I had the clear one where you can see all the gears.  I had one with little orange fishies.  I had one with a big, black X.  Only, now it felt like there was always this huge clock over my head, all impatient like tick-tock!  Counting out the limited time I have left, demanding attention.  Totally stressing me out.

Now that I'm tutoring, I have to wear a watch.  When I was a teacher, it was way easier to look at the clock.  Because when I started teaching and didn't know how to time lessons yet and I'd be checking my watch every five minutes, the kids would get restless.  To them, glance at timepiece = time to go.  I have to know what time it is now, though.

So of course I went to the Swatch store in SoHo.  Duh!  They have so many awesome designs right now I can't even tell you.  I have no idea how I narrowed my choices down to two.  But I did.  And now I have them.   I went retro with the transparent one and then I got this other one called Color the Sky, with gorgeous  stripes:


I have to get used to that ticking again.  But it's all good.  Jack Bauer would be proud.

Today is the first day for NYC teachers to go back to school. But for me, this is the first day of my new life.

I never thought I would resign from teaching. How does a person who knew she was a teacher at twelve years old, who worked her whole life to be this teacher, decide to leave?

Well, it's mainly because I want more time to write. I'd like to have one book published each year instead of one book published every two years. Until I can write full-time, I'll be privately tutoring Earth Science, Physics, and writing. And not getting up at 6:00. That was the worst. You can't fight your circadian rhythm.

Here's the thing. No matter what you thought your life would be, or should be, or all you thought it could be, there's always room for more than you ever imagined. For a long time, I thought I would only have one career. That I'd pick the thing I loved to do the most and that would be it. But life is a wild thing. Anything can happen at any moment. So I realized that I had to think outside the box. You can have as many careers as you want. It's your life.

A lot of people want to do something different with their lives, but they're afraid of taking that risk. When I first decided to leave teaching, it was scary. I worried about affording health insurance and my retirement plan and...what if things didn't work out? But as last year moved forward, my excitement squashed that fear. And now I don't feel scared anymore. I just feel excited that I'm creating my ideal life.

Yeah, I know it's Tuesday. I live on the wild side like that.

So you know the whole TGIF thing? And how so many people seem to be living for the weekend, where Friday is the best day at school or work? Well, every Monday in my classroom was TGIM day. Because the whole week is fresh and new and full of possibilities. And why grumble about eighty percent of your week, waiting around for life to pass you by, when you could be creating awesomeness on any given day?

Yes, I was that annoying and perky at school. If you were in my first-period class, my job was to wake you up (mostly by being weird and what sometimes barely passed for funny). Not that I'm a morning person. I am so not one of those I can't even tell you. I just play one at school.

When you're dragging through your week, think about the possibility that every day could be the first day of your new life. Small changes add up to big results, even if it's something as simple as smiling more.  You can improve your mood just by smiling.  And doing more positive thinking.  Happy new you.